November 16, 2012
I have been struggling with some of the very foundations of the Bible, probably for the last few years, but it seems to be much more intense lately. I think that is part of the reason I am having such trouble finding what it is I am supposed to be doing here in Chinle. I tend to get sensory overload and then all systems shut down. For instance, I go into a Joann’s looking for a project or even just something as simple as yarn. I get caught up in looking and looking and comparing prices and quantity and trying to decide what it is I really want to make and 9 times out of 10 I will leave the store making no purchase. If I do make a purchase I then fuss over whether I made the right decision or not.
Then later at home when I pull out the projects there is all likelihood that I will not be able to complete the vision I had in the store and either something else will be made or it will get partially made. Just ask my daughter, it only took me 30 years to complete a quilt hanging for her.
So here I am grappling with questions of universal importance…struggling to act out the truth I know but most of all, to truly believe what I believe. I have come to the conclusion that the reason Christians, myself first and foremost, don’t do half of what they desire to do is because deep down they do not truly believe what God has said. Still ringing in the ears of humanity are the words from the Garden, “Has God truly said?”
Unbelief!!!! But how can that be? I know that I know that I know that God sent His Son into this world to die for sinners, that He is my Lord and Savior, that on the cross He paid for all my sins, that there is nothing I can do to earn or deserve His favor, but He has given it to me freely. I would die for that but I find that living for that is much more difficult. Not that I would deny my Lord, but that I let the everyday little unbeliefs keep me weak. That nagging thought that God cannot use me, or there must be someone more qualified. And sometimes the most deadly thought, God I can handle this one, and then we forget to include Him.
So while I grapple with election, predestination, total sovereignty of God, suffering of the saints, etc, I want you to know that is not my problem. In fact, I am looking forward to an eternity in God’s presence, at the side of Jesus, discovering what those things are and how they have played out in human history. But for the right here and now my prayer for myself and for you is that I would believe God and do what it is He has put me on this earth to do. I would stop the excuses, and just believe Him; that I would live each and every moment knowing that “All things work together for good for the Glory of God”. Not just an overall belief, but a moment by moment one.
So for now, I plan to continue my study of the Word of God and I hope there will be those that join me on that amazing journey, but the most important thing will be to deepen the relationship I have with Jesus each and every day so that I will believe Him completely, knowing that He is the author and finisher of my faith. As my love grows for Jesus, so will my belief. Let’s stop making excuses and join the Lord on this amazing journey He has prepared.
